Insomnia...folowed by depresion
It's 4 in the morning my time. My time. I hate that phrase. It's a reminder I away from most of the people I care about. In Illinois, I missed my oarents horibbly. Now I miss my friends. I seem to be stuck in some God forsaken limbo. Hell, up there wouldn't be any better, would it? Almost everyones gone for collage. Growing. Starting a life, while I'm stuck somewhere between childhood and adult life. Soon everyone will be all on there own. I'll still be here, working for slave wages, not even enough to move out of my parents house. Christ, I'm 21 years old. I have no car, what barely passes for a job, and no real life. I spend all day at work or asleep. And sleeps no good. I have had horrindious night terrors scince anyone can remeber. My mother tells me I had them as an infant. I would scream and cry, but was asleep all along. No word yet on the job at the con. I feel so unwanted. I cann't really talk to anyone about anything wrong with me. Amber is trying to help Paul, and even if she wasn't, she couldn't help. My mother has MS (I'm not even trying to spell that one), and it is getting bad. Now it's affecting her swallowing. I don't want to burden her with my dumd-ass problems. I work night, my dad works days. Thats out. It just feels that everyones out growing me, that they'll all just leave. They'll just forget me. Noone around here understands me. There's Amber, but she isn't enough. Paul's in such a funk I swear I don't recognize my best friend half the time. My family down here is ultra-conservitive Catholics. I'm a moderate something-or-other. Any idea's, guys?
posted by Rob @ 4:04 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
First off, Rob--take a deep breath. You are a good person and worth getting to know. Second--don't hold your breath for that con job. Those jobs tend to go to people who know the people running the con or the vendors who will be at the con. There are many more people wanting that job than there are jobs.
Transportation--what is the public transportation like near you? Is there something you want to do when you "grow up"? Realize I didn't really find a career that I find fulfilling until I was over 40 (I LOVE being a nurse--just not some of the politics surrounding the job--but that's everywhere). You don't have to go to school full time --but a class or two at a community college with a general education emphasis might be worthwhile. Or--if you are interested in something technical--go to tech school. You could learn HVAC (heating and air conditioning repair), car repair or other things like that. If you are interested in the medical field (a very good field to get into, by the way), there is respiratory therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy--all of which I think you would be good at because of your experiences with your mom. There is plenty of grants and other money out there if you just apply--and the easiest ones to get are the ones you write an essay for because most people won't take the time to do that and you said you like to write. Just make sure to have someone read it for spelling and grammar because that will count for a lot.
Tim and I care about you as well as Paul and Amber. That's why I'm glad to see this blog so we can keep up with you guys. Call or e-mail us privately if you want to talk. (Call collect if you need to and give us a number to call back so it isn't so expensive).
Hey Rob,
Just because we're all spread out now doesn't mean that it'll stay that way forever. I'm planning on doing grad-school in Chicago because as much as I like it out here, it's not home. #1'll almost certainly be done with her schooling by then too and if not she will be within a year and there's no reason we couldn't all end up back together in Chicago.
I'm not exactly a font of moral support when it comes to jobs and such but even at slave-labor wages at least y'all have 'em. Near as I can tell as a Freshman, non-wrokstudy, non-buisiness major I'm SOL for working anywhere but the dining center.
It really is too bad that y'all haven't managed to find any other gamers down there, but I'm sure they'll surface with time, they always seem to. And there's always KalamarOnline or the Angel. I know you don't like them very much, but they are there.
If you're having trouble finding people to vent to down there, that's exactly what the blog's for and enough of us are here to be vented to and to do venting ourselves. We're only separated physically, but emotionally we're all interconnected.
I've joined the AH blog and started my own so feel free to stop by. I've got 50 bazillion links up at this point to all sorts of peoples stuff and as I discover more people's blogs and such I'll put them up as well.
Just remember until we meet again that you are not fogotten. And I'm gonna try like hell to get down there in the summer if nothing else.
#2
I guess it's realy not that bad. It's just some nights I'm worn out and worn thin.I 'm just melodramatic, I geuss.
Or Manic Depresive
Then I must be melodramatic/manic-depressive, too, man, coz I feel exactly like you do sometimes. I've found others who also feel similarly - none that you'd know. Hell, my rabbi "ran away from home" during college because of his directionless feelings. It's a phase a lot of people go through, I assume.
It just takes time to find focus. I don't know how much, though. Two and a half years and counting of my directionless period so far. Lemme know when yours is over.
And I have to apologize for not hanging out with you enough while you were up here. If you're ever in the area, holler. If you're loud enough you might wake me up. ;-)
I think Manic Depressive's one of the things your not... and we're all melodramatic from time to time, it's a fact of life.
I'm sure I'll have my moments once I get used to the whole blogging thing...
#2
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