I don't know anything anymore...
I am tired...very tired. I haven't slept well in 3 months...haven't slept at all in 2 days. All I can seem to do is summon the energy to pull myself out of bed for a few hours of looking for work. That and cry. I have been doing that a lot. Just alying in bed and crying. I honestly think I am dying. I feel like a plant pulled out of the sun. I am wilting with the lack of conpanionship. I find myself with drawing from even Amber because she just gets upset to see me so depressed. Life is moving and I am not. I lost my job in a bull shit way, and there is nothing I can do about it. Now all the jobs have been taking by collage and high school kids. Noone around here seems to accept me for me.
Even in the croups of gamers I have found I get pushed aside because of my age. The few instances I have found a person to hang out with something happens to make it so I cannot see them. I just feel like I am a fish out of water. I am not sure how to make myself happy...I feel I am losing myself...I want to be someone else so I can have friends. But I just can't bring myself to do so. I thought I had found some people I could hang out with occasionally, but they proved that wrong recently.
I feel so lonely... and there is noway for me to come back and even visit for a few days cause noone will give me a job. We are going to be here until Amber gets out of collage...and probably a bit before then. So I get to look forward to this weird state of limbo until I can figure a way out of this.
I do realize that, if I ever do get back to Illinois, it will not be the same as it was when I was younger. I know. But if I do get depressed I can atleast find someone to talk to about anything...I think that is what I need right now... TO be around my friends and just think about anything but this depression. Just ...I don't know. Play D&D, or Smash Brothers again... Have a lte night trip to the arcade or the Breaktime Billards. Hang out down at the River Walk, or at Denny's.
Sorry if I am bringing everyone down. I think I am going to try and get some sleep now...
posted by Rob @ 5:04 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I'm sorry things have been going poorly for you recently. Unfortunately, I can't offer much advice. The job market sucks, particularly for non-college grads. I've been there, at the very least. Here's hoping things get better soon. :)
A little Mom advice--as far as jobs go--a potential employer doesn't care about accepting you for who you are. They want you to be what they need you to be. So even if it's "you want fries with that?" with a smile when you'd really like to tell everyone to take a giant leap off the nearest cliff, then you do it.
One of the biggest complaints I have about some of the people I work with--they bring their home problems to work with them. And then they act childish when they get to work. I just want to tell them to be an adult, get the job done to the best of their ability, and stop the pettiness about "he's not answering call lights for my patients, so I'm not going to answer any for him" or "I passed water last time, it's her turn".
When I took this job, I really wanted a part-time day shift. What I got was full time on the p.m. shift. That got to be too stressful, so I negotiated it to 7 days per two-week pay period. Sometimes you have to accept something that is less than ideal and renegotiate it in 3-6 months. You have to show up at work and not call in sick, even when you feel like crap. You have to be there on time and not leave early. You need to look for the extra things that need to be done and do them without being asked.
This isn't aimed at you, Rob. It's just the attitude I've seen in so many who have come through the doors recently. I hope you continue to look. Best job looking times--first thing in the morning (or when the place opens) and early in the week. Also, dress appropriately--no jeans or T-shirts, wear nice shoes and make sure you are clean and your hair is neat. I know how spiffy you can look--use it to your advantage!
Nurse Mom
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