Life in the slow lane

It's been awhile sense I updated my blog here. Life kinda sucks right now. I am broke, jobless, and kinda screwed in general right now. I am heavily depressed, and it is just getting worse. I miss all my friends. I have a few people down here I hang out with but I wouldn't really call any of them friends, not yet. Amber quit her job, and I had planned on working until she found one then look for a new one myself. But my boss took me off the schedual and gave my hours to High School kids. I am looking for a new one now.

God I feel so lonely down here. I am gaming twice a week, Wednesday and Friday. The friday game is run by a guy who keeps acting like I am new to gaming and tends not to listen to me. It is getting on my nerves. And my Wednesday game is huge cause it is open to everyone who wants to play and I cannot stand 2-3 people playing. I miss Ronin and the Tjarks running games. I miss a lot about Illinois right now.

I miss Paul and Doug, even though they aren't in Illinois anymore. I miss the Tjarks, who I consider a second family. Tony of couse, and my bro Ronin. Kat and her mother too. I miss my exs, even. I wish I knew how I fucked up those relationships. I miss the Ambers, nad the people I only saw once in a blue moon. Gabe, Betsy, Toto, Art, and everyone from the LARP. Life is differante here, I cannot explain who. The people I meet are less trusting. Less open. I find it hard to be myself around them, find it hard to be comfortable.

I miss having all the peole I cuddled down there. I wish I could hold some of my old friends again. I remember fondly of cuddling up with Amber #2 and watching movies. And holding Beck late into the night. And wrapping my arms around Anne in her bedroom the last time I saw her. And how small everyone felt in my arms. With as physical as I am, it is hard to get used to everyone being so...no-touchy.

Hopefully I will be getting a job at either Micheals or a fabricstore down here. I have enough experiance sewing... I hope they believe it. The woman I turned in my app to at the fabricstore look suprised to see me turning in the app.

I wish I worked through out high school. My parents wouldn't let me. I understand why they didn't want me to work, but I wish I had. I would have gotten the stupid childish spending out of my system then and have been able to save the money I had been earning down here. I had never really had spending money. I would ask my folks for what I wanted. I never really handled that much money before.

School seems almost permanently out of reach anymore. I can get in. I talked to the dean of students at Louisville School of Massage Therapy. He told my I was more then qualified. And I could get a good loan, better one if I got my grandmother to co-sign it. And I am sure she would too. But I need to work a lot to pay my bills and my gas.

I wish I could just move on with life. It is just stale right now. I just want a job. I want to work. A decent job, not a fast food job, or anything like that. My typing is increasing, so I might try for a data entry position. I have mastered Excel and I am pretty good at figuring out software.

Well, this has been kinda random, but it is how I have been feeling lately...